It's hard not to be negative sometimes

Seriously?

I am on a path to inner peace, for lack of better phrasing. You're not going to find me, legs crossed, hovering in the air like a Goddess or some such because that's not like me. But still, I'd really like to get to a point where I nearly always come from a place of love. Know what I mean? But it's rough, you guys. Because people. Because society. Because struggles. Because life is not a bed of roses all the time. There are lots of those pesky thorns, you know? And the more times you get pricked...

The older I get, the harder it is for me to get past those brambles. I think that's because, the older I get, the more of those pricks I've encountered. Pun intended. I'm tired, you guys. I'm wounded. Crippled even.

I'm especially sick of people being gruff to me for no reason. It annoys me most when it's someone I have bent over backwards, forwards, sideways and upside down to help. And there are a lot of those. Because, I do really try to be nice to everyone.

I don't ever want to make people feel bad. Ever. But after the hundredth time of helping someone and they still just don't get that it's time for them to help themselves and they're being highly unappreciative and inconsiderate and looking at me like I'm a horrible person for telling them so and trying to get a little peace (for myself, for a change) well, it kind of all just comes gushing out.

I love helping people. I like me. I love my family. I don't have an ulterior motive of any kind in my heart and soul. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try to greet each day with a positive outlook, you know?

So, when I start my day whistling a happy tune and someone who I'm making constant sacrifices for (in order to insure their happiness, safety and well being) immediately sucks up all my good energy and inconsiderately throws it in the toilet, well, pardon my language, but I get really, really, really pissed off!

And when they seek sympathy from others for “their” struggles? You know, the ones that are actually my struggles? And then I realize that they have been stuck in the rut of playing the victim and playing me all along. Oh boy! Does that ever rub me the wrong way.

“Are you kidding me right now?”

Ha ha! That was borrowed from my grand-daughter.

But seriously, you guys. Some of this is my fault. Sometimes I help people to the point where they don't feel the need to help themselves. Because if people are not allowed to fall, how can they be expected to learn to pick themselves back up?

They don't have to because they know I will pick them up. You see how it is now?

Which makes mad at myself. Which is worse for my peace of mind than being mad at others, for sure. Can't hide from yourself, after all, can you?

It's hard not to be negative and angry and loud and rude sometimes, you guys. But I'm working on it. I may not get there overnight. And ironically I truly have to tone tone my helper gene a bit. You know, “pull the rug out and let them tumble” and all that.

And I guess it'll have to be a slow process. My peace and their progression into being completely self sufficient. Because, like it or not, these things don't happen overnight. One day though, one day I'll wake up whistling and not have my spirit crushed underfoot. Because I will be in control of my emotions and they will be in control of their lives. Because I have set them free by not helping them so darn much!

I will get there! I will. And so will they. But me first. Because if I don't let them fall...

Man, this is going to be tough!