How do I really make others feel?

No idea! Just rolling my eyes at myself.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how my words and actions speak to others. Sometimes I'm not real proud of myself in this area. My intentions are good. It's just that sometimes other people frustrate me to the point where I say and do some things that aren't very nice.

Now, I'm not justifying my behavior. Far from it. I'd really like to stop. I wish I had my Dad's self control when it comes to things like people disappointing me. Unfortunately, I do not. Nope. When people let me down over and over, I find it nearly impossible to hold my tongue and temper.

I suppose I could look at it as self defense, but I don't think that way. Nope. It's one of my worst character flaws and one that I am working on.

I also have this thing where taking about my frustrations helps. Unfortunately, that talk sometimes comes out sharp and gossipy. I hate that about myself.

And then, of course, there is another side. It's just way too easy to forgive myself because after all, there is good reason for me to be upset under certain circumstances with repeat offenders, right?

People who continually show a lack of consideration or those who just constantly ask for more than I have to give may be getting exactly what they deserve but I don't feel good about it.

Instead, I feel like I should be giving what I would like to receive, regardless of anyone else's behavior.

So how do I really make others feel? Is my help/advice, actually helpful or rude and intrusive? Sometimes I'm not so sure, even though I mean well. And I wonder, do they even realize why I'm so very frustrated sometimes?

Do they see how they make me feel? Or have I just become the “Big Bad Wolf” of this scenario? I certainly hope not but if I had to hazard a guess, I'm pretty sure that's how some people see me, despite the fact that they may have “started it” by being nonchalant about my feelings and/or taking advantage of my generosity.

Relationships with other humans sure are complex, aren't they? Especially for those of us who lack social skills and have limitations that keep us from attaining them. But I'm not giving up. Nope. I will overcome this habit of holding in resentments until they blow up in the faces of those I love.

Meanwhile, I hope that I make the people in my life feel loved and welcome at least 75% of the time. And as for those bad days, I sincerely apologize. Geez! I'm such a hard case! Such a human! Who knew?

Surviving the reign of social media

I'm serious, you guys. When I was first introduced to the wonderful world of the web, it was all fun and games. Well, that mixed with a bit of cursing at the learning curve. But now? Well now, if I'm on there too long, which could mean anywhere from10 minutes to 2 hours, it honestly makes me a bit nauseous.

In particular, I'm so tired of being inundated with commercialism on social media. I mean, I get that some web promotion is necessary these days. But must everyone be trying to sell something (even if it's only a plea for self-affirmation?) every second of every day?

And point proving has become an epidemic. Worse than that, people actually brag about showing others up and making them feel bad.

And does this sound familiar?

*If you scroll past this, you're heartless.

*Pass this on to 25 friends (in other words, annoy the heck out of them too.)

*Say Merry Christmas/Don't say Merry Christmas/Keep Christ in Christmas

*Wear this/Do this/Say that

*Share this to prove you're my friend

And on and on.

No wonder we're all so stressed out.

When did this all become normal and/or acceptable?

Also, when did we start thinking it was OK to spam, troll or bite the heads off of our friends for entertainment/profit or personal satisfaction/affirmation?

What ever happened to placing value on common decency, dignity and grace?

And what's worse?

I'm guilty of some of it myself.

Which is why you don't see much of me on social media any more. It's getting to a point where I'm just as nauseated by my own online behavior as I am the behavior of others. I'm now questioning my decision to participate in social media. At least the way the tone of it runs now, anyway. It just encourages such a warped mindset.

The reign of social media is changing us all. It's certainly nice to get to know people you wouldn't have met otherwise or keep in touch with/find old friends. Beyond that, though, it appears to have become a big bitch session.

I think I'll just stick to the friendly socialization part of social media from now on and cut myself off if things get ugly. I can auto-post my articles directly from my blogs anyway.

And by the way, I've never expected anyone to feel obligated to read my blogs. I just put them out there in case there's interest. I mean, sure, that's how I make money, from page views. But honestly, I want people to read my writing out of enjoyment, not because they feel guilty if they don't.

Oh, and if I feel like venting, I always have this Rants and Raves blog. It's better to put it here since it's not directed at anyone on a personal level. Therefore, there's not such a sting involved as there is in personal social media conversation.

So, that's how I'm dealing with surviving the reign of social media. How about you?

When someone asks me my symptoms and other negative babble

Ha! I swear that it's no wonder people don't think those with chronic illness are actually sick. Because, quite often, when I'm asked what my symptoms are, what they get in response is an open mouthed, blank, puzzled stare, as if I don't even know. When in actuality, what I'm thinking is, “Ummm where do I begin?” LOL

The list of symptoms associated with Lupus and Rheumatoid that I have experienced is extremely long. And honestly, you guys, I'm just as tired of talking about it as I am of going through it. I'm not really wanting to dwell on my pain and suffering every time I meet someone new. I'd rather talk about anything but my illness. Anything at all.

So.... symptoms. Well, I guess my answer should be, “You name it, Lupus and Rheumatoid will throw it at you at one point or another.” You know how comedians will poke fun at warning labels on medicine bottles? Well, that's exactly how a run down of chronic illness symptoms reads.

Severe pain, fever, chills, nausea, vomiting, severe diarrhea, limited mobility, permanent or temporary paralysis, acid reflux, lung infections, organ damage, kidney failure, nerve issues, tissue damage, joint issues, swelling, inflammation, low immunity, overactive immunity and on and on. The list never really ends.

I recently contracted Lupus related pneumonia. And guess what? Due to the type of Lupus I have, I can't get any preventative immunization that goes into muscle. So, I was both high risk and low protection. Great combination. Which is why I ended up in the ER 4 days before my son's wedding.

Sweeeet, right?

And the pain! You have no idea!

Have you ever had pain so bad that you actually cried? Real, hard tears, I mean. Not just “Oh, wow, that really hurts” pain. I'm talking about gut wrenching sobs. Pleas for mercy. Curling up in a ball, wishing for death to swoop you up in it's arms, knock you out and drag you away. Or worse, those silent tears in the middle of the night, shaking and quaking and trying like holy hell not to wake anyone up so they won't have to suffer with you? What if that was your daily reality? Well, there you go. That's Lupus and Rheumatoid.

Thank goodness for non-flare days!

Problem is, though, even when you do get a few days of relief, you know it will always be back. You just don't know when or how it will present itself. 

So, you can't work, even if you want to. And believe me, I want to. If you work for a living, you might think of staying home all day, every day as the best thing that could possibly happen to you. It's not. It sucks big time. Oh, the first couple weeks are heaven. Maybe even the first month. But after that, it's just a never-ending sameness, no matter how many ways you find to occupy your time.

It's also pretty hard to find ways to occupy yourself when your income is zero, due to illness. Even the simplest hobbies cost money, you know? Now, I'm lucky to have people in my life who keep me in art supplies and that type of thing. The boyfriend gets it since he's the one who gets to listen to me crying, night after night. So, he's kind enough to replace broken computers and so I can keep writing. In fact, he supports me completely and literally these days.

And you know what? I'm no gold digger, so that really bothers me. I was always a self sufficient individual until Lupus and Rheumatoid reared their ugly heads. Heck, I even kept working long after it was healthy for me to do so. I feel like that's true of most people with chronic illness. I've even considered going back to work now that I've been officially told not to. And on more than one occasion. That's how much it bothers me.

Anyway, I carry on. And I do manage to stay positive, even though this little rant may not be. I have hobbies. I paint. I write. I take photos. I make the house pretty. It doesn't stay that way long.... LOL But so what? I try. I spend time with the grand-kids. The boyfriend takes me on road trips. He drives most of the time since well, you know. Rheumatoid and those long drives equals ouch! That ain't happening.

And of course, I educate people a bit about chronic illness with my blogs. It really makes me happy to help people, you know?

But please don't ask my my symptoms. It would literally take days to answer you. Plus, it would remind me of what I'd rather forget. Aside from the fact that I write about it a lot, in "real" life, I don't really like being defined by my illness. I don't want to be that person people mention to other people with chronic illness. Oh, you know, Jaipi has Lupus too. Maybe you two can get together and talk about it.

Ummmm no. We don't want to talk about it. We want to forget it.

If only it would let us.

Tone it down? Maybe....

Ahem.... So, lately I've been thinking to myself that I may come off just a tad opinionated. I'm sure that doesn't surprise most of my readers. OK. I'm sure that doesn't surprise any of my readers. It's kind of who I am, you know?

I also have a tendency to be critical of others. OK, I know. You figured that out too. Yup.

But really, you guys, I would like to be a smidge nicer. No, I'm serious. You see, I used to be one of those people who never said a bad word about anyone. It's true. 

Then one day, I just cracked the heck out of my shell, stuck my head out, opened my big fat yap and all those repressed thoughts came pouring out.

And I got carried away with it, I guess. To the point where I'm now searching diligently for that sweet girl I used to be. She's gone, of course, swept away in a current of “I've been holding this in for way too long.”

But still, I'd very much like to get back just a little of her sensitivity and kindness. Just a little. And so, from now on, I'm making an effort to at least take the edge off my bark and bite. We'll see how it goes, right?

Because we all know me, right? I can't promise that I won't get worked up about some injustice and have a relapse. Still, I'm going to give it a go. Tone it down a bit. Be a kinder, gentler version of the beast. Maybe....

On the subject of un-friending

It's better for both parties!

I used to think that un-friending/un-following people on Facebook whose opinions disagreed with mine was un-cool, rude and pretentious. I was wrong. Turns out that I was being a little too politically correct for my own good. Plus, I was preventing them from having a peaceful Facebook experience as well.

Think about it. If you're nearly always aggravated and your day is negatively impacted by someone's posts, chances are, they feel the same about yours. It's just not nice to put them (or you) through that for no reason other than to continually shove your opinions down their throat or “I told you so” them to death with memes and related articles that prove your point.

It's much better to treat Facebook and other social media friends just as you do those in real life. If you disagree with people in real life, don't you naturally drift apart? And if you agree with someone in real life, aren't you naturally drawn to them?

That's because you can relate to those you agree with. You find conversations with them to be a pleasant experience. You enjoy being around them. And those other people? Not so much, yes?

Now, I'm not saying that in “real” life, you should make it your goal to only have friends that agree with you. That would be silly. What I'm saying is that it's just how it goes. It's natural to migrate toward like-minded people.

Besides, why would you want a friend who makes you feel bad or brings constant negativity to your life?

But the more important question here is, why would they want you to make them miserable, either?

Because as right as you think you are, you have to face the fact that to some people, you're the annoying and negative one. Oh yes, you are. And maybe that's the very best reason there is not to feel guilty about clicking that unfriend button.

Because it's better for both of you.

And on a personal note, the one good thing this recent election has done for me is give me the courage to click that button on numerous occasions. And you know what? It works for me and it works for them (the un-friended/un-followed) too.

Facebook is fun again for me. I'm also sure it's better for them too. Because on more than a few occasions, it was a mutual, peaceful agreement. How do you like that?

Folks, you don't have to like everyone. You don't have to pretend you like everyone. You don't have to tolerate everything. You're a human being with very human emotions. Just be yourself and the people who belong in your life and that will enrich it will be drawn to you.

And yin/yang being what it is, the opposite is also true. Those who don't belong in your life and don't enrich it, will drift away.

Nothing wrong that. Or with wanting your life and theirs to be a happier experience. Nothing wrong with it at all. It's better for both of you.

The peace promotion conundrum

Quite often, I have people question me as to why or how I can say I promote peace when I get so fired up about injustice. The thing is you guys, you cannot truly stand for peace without standing against hatred. Yin/Yang etc. You see, it's much like those in the army who fight for freedom. (Not that I'm comparing their sacrifice to mine in any way.) I am constantly fighting for peace, love and compassion.

Ironic, yes? (Fighting for peace, that is.)

Couldn't I simply exude sunshine and rainbows all day and hope people follow my lead? Not really. Because, while I'm doing that, others are busy learning to sway good people to their evil and not so well intended line of thinking. The squeaky, noisy, rusty wheel gets the oil every time, my friends. Nobody cares about that quiet wheel at the back of the cart just calmly turning in a dignified manner and saying nothing.

I believe we just saw that principle in action, didn't we?

Leading exclusively by quiet example doesn't work because human nature doesn't work that way. We want fire in our leaders. We want them to have the courage to speak up and speak out. Loudly. And yes, we want a good example to follow. However, if nothing is said or dealt with, example just doesn't cut it. In fact, if history is any indication, leading by example alone is a death sentence.

It doesn't even matter what they're saying, we want our leaders to sound off.

Once again, we just saw that last bit proven. Am I right?

Ladies and gentleman, this is my conundrum.

I want people to exude peace, love, compassion and all that's good. I want people to love and care for each other. I want the world to be filled with random kindness and unselfish sacrifices for the greater good. I try my best to do that every day myself.

Unfortunately, in order for peace to happen, we must first squelch the nastiness. And in order to do that, we can't just wait and hope. We have to take action. We have to fight for a better world. Because, let's face it, no-one is going to hand it to us on a silver platter. The powers that be like being the powers that be. It's working for them.

And oh boy, do they love it when we roll over and do nothing. In fact, they love it so much that they have spent decades studying us so that they can make us do just exactly that without us even realizing it. They're so good at it that we think there is actually a good side and an evil side, no matter which “side” we're on, we think they other “side” is brainwashed, when actually, we all are!

Societal manipulation is a science, my friends and they have got it down pat.

So, I'm not always nice. I'm not always peaceful, either. Sometimes, I give evil exactly what it deserves. Call it a kick in the pants, a punch in the face or just a good talking to. But in any case, if you want peace, you have to rise up against oppression, bigotry, bullying and general hatred. You have to speak up and speak out. You have to hit it right where it lives.

The powers that be don't understand peace. It's not in their repertoire. If you want to get through to them, sometimes you have to speak their language. Sad, but true. Still, I'd rather fight for peace, freedom and justice than lose them forever. (Or worse, fight for hatred and exclusion in disguise.) So there you go. There's your answer. Why do I come off so mean and intolerant when I claim to represent peace, love and compassion?

Because I have to, that's why.
Because someone has to take that stand.
Because someone has to make people aware of injustice.
Because someone has to point it out so people will notice.
Because if we aren't aware of the problem, how can we address it?

But most of all:

Because if no one does anything.... If we all sit back, wait and see and take things as they come, well, nothing will ever change.

So, you see, I can be the sweetest, kindest, most tolerant, most compassionate person in the universe and usually, I am. But unless I occasionally stand up and make that wheel squeal, nothing will ever change. So, ya, it may be a bit ironic. But I will fight for peace, freedom, compassion and justice, tooth and nail every day of my life. I will not calmly wait and see while the world falls apart around me.

Actions speak louder than silence.

And there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with being enemies with hatred.

Get it?

For heaven's sake, you don't have to tolerate everything!

It's OK to be angry at some behaviors!

I've noticed a trend lately that I'd like to talk about. Now, before I get started, let me assure you, I am a big fan of individuality. I believe in respecting people's right to do or say what they feel. However, accepting them doesn't mean that I have to accept their bad behavior or be OK with everything they support, particularly if what they support causes others pain and suffering.

Because, my friends, there are some behaviors that are simply unacceptable. And there are some people who, when they exhibit those behaviors, are more than difficult to be around. They zap your energy. They kill your joy. They upset you. They make you sad for our future.

Because the behaviors they exhibit and the things they support, reveal them as uncaring, unkind, biased and just plain, downright nasty.

Now granted, some well intended people simply don't know how bad the things they support are or how selfish they sound by supporting them. Some people don't realize that the things they promote have a hate based, exclusionary core. It's not their fault. They're victims of the “let's purposefully create lemmings” technique of brainwashing incorporated by those to whom power is king.

And BTW, as a side point, there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting good people know what's really going on, so that they can make a more educated choice of their own, as long as you have good intentions and do so with an open heart.

But on to the main point.

Folks, it's OK to stay away from people who are purposely cruel, rude, prejudiced, etc. You don't have to accept anyone's “right” to be an asshole. You don't have to be understanding of people who lack compassion, don't have a sense of right from wrong (or don't act as if they do) or fail to consider the negative impact their behaviors have on others.

There seems to be a trend these days of accept everyone for who they are, mind your own business, scroll, scroll, scroll. And that's fine. But not if the person you're accepting of is a complete and total selfish jerk or has been brainwashed into thinking some cause or another is just and fair when it's actually quite horrendous. That's just not OK and you don't have to be OK with it. And the reason it's not OK is because people are being hurt by it.

You don't have to accept and/or tolerate everything and everyone!

Not only that, you shouldn't. Because the longer we continue to accept/promote/ignore cruelty, bias, selfishness, etc., the longer they will stick around. So, speak up, speak out and take action against behaviors that impact all of us negatively. It's perfectly OK not to accept every human behavior. You don't have to remain friends with people who continually behave in a manner that's hurtful and destructive.

It's OK to call an asshole an asshole. They don't deserve your respect. They're not earning your respect and they shouldn't get your respect.

And that's all I have to say about that.