In my head are all the thoughts and
deeds that block my path to peace. In order to make my way along the
path, I have decided to clear them. In my case, that means writing
about them. Writing has always been my way of cleansing.
Some of the thoughts that I have need to be
vocalized. They are justified. Some are not at all justified. The
latter, once I write them down, make me see the error of my ways so
that I can move on from them and do better.
Learn by writing?
I guess.
So, for a little bit here, I'm going to
be clearing my head of anger, resentment and other negativity by
sharing it, thinking about it and then, hopefully, moving away from
it.
I picture a huge snarl of brambles,
cluttering the peace path, blocking my view and my way.
The thoughts I'm working on today are
self defeating, guilt ridden and regretful. In the past, I've done a few things to be ashamed of. And for some unknown reason, they have
all decided to rise to the surface in the last couple of weeks.
This has made me feel really bad about
myself. And you may not believe me but through all my struggles, I
have always been able to maintain a healthy self image. Not so
lately.
To add to the past guilt, I have
recently found myself in a situation where I felt taken advantage of.
It has happened before. The difference is that in the past, I have
been able to hold my tongue, be patient and understand that the
individuals I was dealing with are still learning.
Just like me, of course. We are all
still learning. Just some people are on a different path or taking
their sweet time.
This time, however, when I encountered
this situation, I lost my patience. I lost my self control. I became
angry and resentful of being taken advantage of. It was a straw
that broke the camels back situation.
This resulted in driving a wedge
between myself and the individuals in question.
I found a solution for the future,
which generally makes me feel better about erring. This time,
however, I just could not seem to forgive myself for my behavior and
move on.
Then, to top it off, another similar
mistake came running in on the heels of the first. It really upset me
that I did not learn enough from the first mistake to prevent the
second.
So, guilt on top of guilt on top of
guilt.
I apologized. I vowed to do better next
time. I formulated a plan. And still, the guilt would not go away.
It's like all the years of moving on had caught up
with me.
I'm still not entirely sure what to do
about this. However, my son, who is my best psychiatrist, has given
me a bit of wisdom. It's not a new thought but he has told me to
remember that time heals all. And while that doesn't take away
the guilt that's dragging me down right now, it does at least give me
hope that this hefty load will lift eventually.
After all, I was a real jerk this time.
My reaction was nothing to be proud of. Plus, I was already wallowing
in past guilt. So, it's likely just going to take some time before I
feel like a decent human being again.
Meanwhile, I will be making a
concentrated effort to do better in the future. To be more patient,
more understanding, more like the old me. People used to tell me I
was one of the nicest people they'd ever met.
I'd like to.... No. I
will get back to that.
And so, I find myself clearing the path
to peace with patience and perseverance. It took a long time for
those brambles to grow, so it's going to take a while to clear them.
That's OK. I'll just do my best to think positive and keep moving in
the right direction.
I'll get there.
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