It's hard not to be negative sometimes

Seriously?

I am on a path to inner peace, for lack of better phrasing. You're not going to find me, legs crossed, hovering in the air like a Goddess or some such because that's not like me. But still, I'd really like to get to a point where I nearly always come from a place of love. Know what I mean? But it's rough, you guys. Because people. Because society. Because struggles. Because life is not a bed of roses all the time. There are lots of those pesky thorns, you know? And the more times you get pricked...

The older I get, the harder it is for me to get past those brambles. I think that's because, the older I get, the more of those pricks I've encountered. Pun intended. I'm tired, you guys. I'm wounded. Crippled even.

I'm especially sick of people being gruff to me for no reason. It annoys me most when it's someone I have bent over backwards, forwards, sideways and upside down to help. And there are a lot of those. Because, I do really try to be nice to everyone.

I don't ever want to make people feel bad. Ever. But after the hundredth time of helping someone and they still just don't get that it's time for them to help themselves and they're being highly unappreciative and inconsiderate and looking at me like I'm a horrible person for telling them so and trying to get a little peace (for myself, for a change) well, it kind of all just comes gushing out.

I love helping people. I like me. I love my family. I don't have an ulterior motive of any kind in my heart and soul. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try to greet each day with a positive outlook, you know?

So, when I start my day whistling a happy tune and someone who I'm making constant sacrifices for (in order to insure their happiness, safety and well being) immediately sucks up all my good energy and inconsiderately throws it in the toilet, well, pardon my language, but I get really, really, really pissed off!

And when they seek sympathy from others for “their” struggles? You know, the ones that are actually my struggles? And then I realize that they have been stuck in the rut of playing the victim and playing me all along. Oh boy! Does that ever rub me the wrong way.

“Are you kidding me right now?”

Ha ha! That was borrowed from my grand-daughter.

But seriously, you guys. Some of this is my fault. Sometimes I help people to the point where they don't feel the need to help themselves. Because if people are not allowed to fall, how can they be expected to learn to pick themselves back up?

They don't have to because they know I will pick them up. You see how it is now?

Which makes mad at myself. Which is worse for my peace of mind than being mad at others, for sure. Can't hide from yourself, after all, can you?

It's hard not to be negative and angry and loud and rude sometimes, you guys. But I'm working on it. I may not get there overnight. And ironically I truly have to tone tone my helper gene a bit. You know, “pull the rug out and let them tumble” and all that.

And I guess it'll have to be a slow process. My peace and their progression into being completely self sufficient. Because, like it or not, these things don't happen overnight. One day though, one day I'll wake up whistling and not have my spirit crushed underfoot. Because I will be in control of my emotions and they will be in control of their lives. Because I have set them free by not helping them so darn much!

I will get there! I will. And so will they. But me first. Because if I don't let them fall...

Man, this is going to be tough!

Walking uphill

The path to inner peace is a rocky one for most of us. We humans are markedly fallible, after all. In my case, I'm no Gandhi. Not even close. Still, I have every intention of living as compassionately as possible. That is if I can get around my own limitations, critical notions, judgmental nature and outrage at society in general.

Most of the time, I find myself walking uphill with my shoelaces tied together. I often trip over my good intentions while diligently searching for an easier route. I don't know if that's human nature, but it's my nature. I truly wish to be a kinder, gentler, more purposeful soul. Maybe I'll get there. Maybe not. Still, I have no intention of quitting.

I know. I am who I am. But that doesn't mean I can't tweak the original. In fact, whenever I have occasion (and time) to read back over my blog posts, I can almost see the evolution of me. I used to be obsessed with point proving. It wasn't even all that long ago. Like maybe a couple weeks. Ha! But seriously, those first rants and raves were pretty intense. Almost insane, actually.

It did help to get it all out there after decades of silence. What does that mean? Hey, maybe I'll tell you that story some time. And what now? And how about in the future? Well, I can't guarantee that I won't lose it here and there. Like I said, it's an uphill climb, this path I've chosen. However, my intention with this blog from this point on is to take a more compassionate stance while scaling those peaks.

Will I stumble? Of course. Will I fall flat on my face sometimes? Undoubtedly. Still, the idea is to point my nose in the right direction, do my best to keep the wind at my back and trudge on. I may get there. I may not. But if I don't at least try, I never will.

Leaving the book of faces, sort of

Hey all. I noticed that a few of my Facebook friends are a bit disappointed at my announcement that I am distancing myself from the Facebook news feed for a bit. I get it. Our voices are important. But my mental health is more important. And really, I'm still around. Just not as up front and personal.

I am going to be more active on my art and writing pages now, so I will still see your notifications. I just can't handle DT and his twisted agenda. I just can't spend my days watching the travesty unfold on my news feed.

I'm HSP and I'm not bragging. I hate that every negative occurrence that I see, hear or otherwise experience digs so deeply into my soul. It makes socialization a living hell at certain times and this is one of those times.

The good news is that I am also one of those people who realizes that my life is of my own creation. Hence the changes I am making. It's self preservation, but it's much more than that. It's a fresh start and a new beginning for me.

I'm happier already and this is just day one.

As I posted this morning, “I'm truly happiest when I keep to myself and work on my art and writing. I may not be what most would consider an expert in either, I just get lucky sometimes, but my humble hobbies (and my solitude) bring me peace.”

We all have to find our peace in this life, after all. And if enough of us are able to do just that, I am confident that the world will be a better place. So, while I may not be shouting my dissent to the rooftops on Facebook, I'm still making a positive impact with my life choices.

Example is and always has been the best teacher. So, I'm working to practice what I preach by projecting peace, love and mental clarity. Everything we say and do impacts the lives of others. So, I'm doing my best to make my words and actions, as well as what I take in, more positive.

So, folks, don't be sad. I'm not really gone. I'm just working on a new, more productive lifestyle. And hey, message me if you need to talk. I'm still your friend. Just living in a different neighborhood. Ha!

Last words

What will your last words to me be,

or mine to you?

Will they be spoken in anger or sorrow,

in mirth or in jest?

Will they bite like the cold,

or sting like sands on a bitter wind?

Will they provide comfort

or nourish the soul?

Can we guarantee

what they will be?

Maybe there's a way.

If all our words are kind,

yours and mine.

Our last words, then,

should follow suit

and rhyme.

In time. 

How do I really make others feel?

No idea! Just rolling my eyes at myself.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how my words and actions speak to others. Sometimes I'm not real proud of myself in this area. My intentions are good. It's just that sometimes other people frustrate me to the point where I say and do some things that aren't very nice.

Now, I'm not justifying my behavior. Far from it. I'd really like to stop. I wish I had my Dad's self control when it comes to things like people disappointing me. Unfortunately, I do not. Nope. When people let me down over and over, I find it nearly impossible to hold my tongue and temper.

I suppose I could look at it as self defense, but I don't think that way. Nope. It's one of my worst character flaws and one that I am working on.

I also have this thing where taking about my frustrations helps. Unfortunately, that talk sometimes comes out sharp and gossipy. I hate that about myself.

And then, of course, there is another side. It's just way too easy to forgive myself because after all, there is good reason for me to be upset under certain circumstances with repeat offenders, right?

People who continually show a lack of consideration or those who just constantly ask for more than I have to give may be getting exactly what they deserve but I don't feel good about it.

Instead, I feel like I should be giving what I would like to receive, regardless of anyone else's behavior.

So how do I really make others feel? Is my help/advice, actually helpful or rude and intrusive? Sometimes I'm not so sure, even though I mean well. And I wonder, do they even realize why I'm so very frustrated sometimes?

Do they see how they make me feel? Or have I just become the “Big Bad Wolf” of this scenario? I certainly hope not but if I had to hazard a guess, I'm pretty sure that's how some people see me, despite the fact that they may have “started it” by being nonchalant about my feelings and/or taking advantage of my generosity.

Relationships with other humans sure are complex, aren't they? Especially for those of us who lack social skills and have limitations that keep us from attaining them. But I'm not giving up. Nope. I will overcome this habit of holding in resentments until they blow up in the faces of those I love.

Meanwhile, I hope that I make the people in my life feel loved and welcome at least 75% of the time. And as for those bad days, I sincerely apologize. Geez! I'm such a hard case! Such a human! Who knew?

Surviving the reign of social media

I'm serious, you guys. When I was first introduced to the wonderful world of the web, it was all fun and games. Well, that mixed with a bit of cursing at the learning curve. But now? Well now, if I'm on there too long, which could mean anywhere from10 minutes to 2 hours, it honestly makes me a bit nauseous.

In particular, I'm so tired of being inundated with commercialism on social media. I mean, I get that some web promotion is necessary these days. But must everyone be trying to sell something (even if it's only a plea for self-affirmation?) every second of every day?

And point proving has become an epidemic. Worse than that, people actually brag about showing others up and making them feel bad.

And does this sound familiar?

*If you scroll past this, you're heartless.

*Pass this on to 25 friends (in other words, annoy the heck out of them too.)

*Say Merry Christmas/Don't say Merry Christmas/Keep Christ in Christmas

*Wear this/Do this/Say that

*Share this to prove you're my friend

And on and on.

No wonder we're all so stressed out.

When did this all become normal and/or acceptable?

Also, when did we start thinking it was OK to spam, troll or bite the heads off of our friends for entertainment/profit or personal satisfaction/affirmation?

What ever happened to placing value on common decency, dignity and grace?

And what's worse?

I'm guilty of some of it myself.

Which is why you don't see much of me on social media any more. It's getting to a point where I'm just as nauseated by my own online behavior as I am the behavior of others. I'm now questioning my decision to participate in social media. At least the way the tone of it runs now, anyway. It just encourages such a warped mindset.

The reign of social media is changing us all. It's certainly nice to get to know people you wouldn't have met otherwise or keep in touch with/find old friends. Beyond that, though, it appears to have become a big bitch session.

I think I'll just stick to the friendly socialization part of social media from now on and cut myself off if things get ugly. I can auto-post my articles directly from my blogs anyway.

And by the way, I've never expected anyone to feel obligated to read my blogs. I just put them out there in case there's interest. I mean, sure, that's how I make money, from page views. But honestly, I want people to read my writing out of enjoyment, not because they feel guilty if they don't.

Oh, and if I feel like venting, I always have this Rants and Raves blog. It's better to put it here since it's not directed at anyone on a personal level. Therefore, there's not such a sting involved as there is in personal social media conversation.

So, that's how I'm dealing with surviving the reign of social media. How about you?

When someone asks me my symptoms and other negative babble

Ha! I swear that it's no wonder people don't think those with chronic illness are actually sick. Because, quite often, when I'm asked what my symptoms are, what they get in response is an open mouthed, blank, puzzled stare, as if I don't even know. When in actuality, what I'm thinking is, “Ummm where do I begin?” LOL

The list of symptoms associated with Lupus and Rheumatoid that I have experienced is extremely long. And honestly, you guys, I'm just as tired of talking about it as I am of going through it. I'm not really wanting to dwell on my pain and suffering every time I meet someone new. I'd rather talk about anything but my illness. Anything at all.

So.... symptoms. Well, I guess my answer should be, “You name it, Lupus and Rheumatoid will throw it at you at one point or another.” You know how comedians will poke fun at warning labels on medicine bottles? Well, that's exactly how a run down of chronic illness symptoms reads.

Severe pain, fever, chills, nausea, vomiting, severe diarrhea, limited mobility, permanent or temporary paralysis, acid reflux, lung infections, organ damage, kidney failure, nerve issues, tissue damage, joint issues, swelling, inflammation, low immunity, overactive immunity and on and on. The list never really ends.

I recently contracted Lupus related pneumonia. And guess what? Due to the type of Lupus I have, I can't get any preventative immunization that goes into muscle. So, I was both high risk and low protection. Great combination. Which is why I ended up in the ER 4 days before my son's wedding.

Sweeeet, right?

And the pain! You have no idea!

Have you ever had pain so bad that you actually cried? Real, hard tears, I mean. Not just “Oh, wow, that really hurts” pain. I'm talking about gut wrenching sobs. Pleas for mercy. Curling up in a ball, wishing for death to swoop you up in it's arms, knock you out and drag you away. Or worse, those silent tears in the middle of the night, shaking and quaking and trying like holy hell not to wake anyone up so they won't have to suffer with you? What if that was your daily reality? Well, there you go. That's Lupus and Rheumatoid.

Thank goodness for non-flare days!

Problem is, though, even when you do get a few days of relief, you know it will always be back. You just don't know when or how it will present itself. 

So, you can't work, even if you want to. And believe me, I want to. If you work for a living, you might think of staying home all day, every day as the best thing that could possibly happen to you. It's not. It sucks big time. Oh, the first couple weeks are heaven. Maybe even the first month. But after that, it's just a never-ending sameness, no matter how many ways you find to occupy your time.

It's also pretty hard to find ways to occupy yourself when your income is zero, due to illness. Even the simplest hobbies cost money, you know? Now, I'm lucky to have people in my life who keep me in art supplies and that type of thing. The boyfriend gets it since he's the one who gets to listen to me crying, night after night. So, he's kind enough to replace broken computers and so I can keep writing. In fact, he supports me completely and literally these days.

And you know what? I'm no gold digger, so that really bothers me. I was always a self sufficient individual until Lupus and Rheumatoid reared their ugly heads. Heck, I even kept working long after it was healthy for me to do so. I feel like that's true of most people with chronic illness. I've even considered going back to work now that I've been officially told not to. And on more than one occasion. That's how much it bothers me.

Anyway, I carry on. And I do manage to stay positive, even though this little rant may not be. I have hobbies. I paint. I write. I take photos. I make the house pretty. It doesn't stay that way long.... LOL But so what? I try. I spend time with the grand-kids. The boyfriend takes me on road trips. He drives most of the time since well, you know. Rheumatoid and those long drives equals ouch! That ain't happening.

And of course, I educate people a bit about chronic illness with my blogs. It really makes me happy to help people, you know?

But please don't ask my my symptoms. It would literally take days to answer you. Plus, it would remind me of what I'd rather forget. Aside from the fact that I write about it a lot, in "real" life, I don't really like being defined by my illness. I don't want to be that person people mention to other people with chronic illness. Oh, you know, Jaipi has Lupus too. Maybe you two can get together and talk about it.

Ummmm no. We don't want to talk about it. We want to forget it.

If only it would let us.