I'm OK with being fine

I'm fine. That's what you often hear from most people with chronic illness. I'm at complete peace with telling people I'm fine when I'm not. So are a lot of us. It's a big, fat lie though and I'm not the type to lie. So why am I OK with it?

Well, the biggest reason is that I don't want others to suffer with me, worry about me or spend sleepless nights wondering if I'm OK. Also, I don't want them to know how horrible this is for me. When people don't understand my illness, that's a good thing, in a way. Because that means they don't have it.

Because frankly, folks, unless you have one of these monstrous conditions, clawing at you, night and day, it's impossible to imagine what it's like. No amount of graphic description is going to be enough to get that across to a healthy person.

And I like that. That is, I like knowing that the people around me don't experience what I do on a daily basis. I'm so happy for them to NOT have this or any other chronic illness. Oh, there are a few that do. Those are the ones I talk to about it. But even though I'm glad to have someone to talk to, I wish that I didn't. Because that would mean all of my loved ones were healthy.

Wouldn't that be awesome?

I'm at peace with just being fine and leaving it at that. Because I'm OK with other people not suffering along with me.

I see things and I'm at peace with it

I see things, but it's not what you're thinking. I see the connections between all of us. I'm not insane and I'm not alone but some days, it feels like it. Our society has become a mockery of our truth. None of us are who we think we are, myself included. We're so wrapped up in lies the truth doesn't matter any more. We live and breathe a life of pure illusion, created by those who profit from our ignorance.

None of us are special. We are all part of the whole. We are, in essence, “The Borg” but we are missing the hive mind mentality.

We are fighting for our individuality with every step we take. Perhaps that's why the concept scares us so much in a tale of fiction. Our brains are separate and independent and yet, they are designed to work as parts of a well oiled machine.

That machine is nature.

Koko said it best. “I am nature.”

Yes, we are all nature. Those who laugh at nature lovers are laughing at themselves. We are one energy in different bodies.

While some might see this concept as frightening. (Or yours truly as some kind of fanatic.) I see it as comforting. It gives me peace. I like knowing that we are all connected. I like knowing that there is more to this life than our society tells us there is. Because in my opinion, our society has produced the most widely accepted, most warped mess of tangled lies that ever were pulled over anyone's eyes.

I like feeling the connection to living beings, to plants, to the stars, the moon and other planets. I like reaching out my hands and feeling a part of something vast and wonderful and amazing.

Pure connectivity is at once both the most beautiful, most precious feeling one can attain and the most frightening of all realizations. True awareness is a realization. It's seeing life for what is is, stripped clean of everything we previously thought to be true. It's admitting that we have it all wrong. It's seeing ourselves and everyone and everything around us as simply existing in unison, with no judgment passed. It's being able to sort the truth from the lies.

And in order to see it, one must let go of everything first.

The first thing to let go of is possession of other beings. Truly, we can never possess anyone, human or otherwise. We can never let go of the web that binds us, and yet we do not belong to each other. We are each other. That's why we have so much trouble finding ourselves. Because we are not individuals. We are one. One energy. One spirit. One love.

My friends, I love you. I understand you, I respect your right to believe as “you” wish, although that “you and I as separate beings” nonsense in itself is another lie we have been told. Anyway, as much as I respect “you” in order to truly be at peace, all of us must let go of conventional religion. Religion was created by man to explain things we don't understand. Things that frighten us. Things that we find hard to accept because we do not see reason in them. But it's not our truth.

And pardon the wandering thought, but can you see, that's a “power” humans have exclusively? Reasoning, that is. Other animals are catching up to us in that respect, though. Unfortunately for them, because our “powers” of reasoning, or the search for deeper meaning actually causes us great frustration. We have to have an answer for everything. And because there is no answer to why we exist other than a simple state of being, we find ourselves on a lifelong search with no end result.

The truth is that there is no answer to why we are here. Or at least there is not what we see as an answer. Because our truth, our purpose is simply to be and to experience. And even that realization is not an answer. You see, our purpose has nothing to do with being an individual or finding ourselves.

It's about finding the whole and connecting with the humbling fact that we are not special as individuals but as a great web of life energy, each living being, entity, flora or fauna having their own function within the whole. It's all so beautiful. I wish everyone could see it.

So we have come to a point where because we are hell bent on finding and defining the individuals we mistakenly believe ourselves to be, the whole system is suffering. Do you see? We spend our whole lives searching for something that isn't there, entirely missing the fact that we are all one beautiful, astounding, interconnected energy.

And until we start acting as if we are merely a small piece of something greater and amazingly intricate, as long as we keep separating and labeling ourselves, we will never be in touch with the truth. As long as we continue to conform to an unhealthy false reality, we will never be truly functional.

But we all do have to conform in order to survive, don't we? Of course.

But, what is at the bottom of that truth? The truth is, we're conforming to the wrong thing. Every one of us. Every second, every minute, every hour for our entire lives. We are conforming to a self created, false society, that in some ways mimics the very thing we're searching for. It's a grand illusion that keeps us from our true purpose, which is to simply be and be a part of a greater energy.

We get up every morning and go to jobs we were never intended to do. We aspire to “see the world” when we haven't even learned to see ourselves for who we really are. We cling to our creature comforts rather than experiencing life in the raw, the way it was meant to be lived, as most natural beings do. Why? I don't know. I'm not special. I do life the same way as everyone else.

But I do see things. I see the connections and it gives me comfort to know they are there. Sometimes it scares the heck out of me. But I see life for what it is. I see that there really is no “I.” There is individual thought but that's only there so that we may bring different facets of thinking to strengthen our greater whole.

And yet, as comforting as this is, “I” shy away from it. Because “I” am one of those unfortunate souls who, although they see the connections clearly, can't quite see themselves conforming to anything. Maybe that's because “I” also see too clearly what conforming to the wrong thing has done to damage everything we are and everything we were meant to be. So all forms of connection frighten me a little.

Yes, it makes me a little frightened to accept that I am simply a part of the whole after all. Maybe that's because all our lives we are told that having high “self” esteem is vital to our mental health when the truth is that self esteem is only as important as it is in relation to the energy and health of the whole natural universe.

In other words, I see that we are only important as individuals in that we do our individual part to keep the entire web of natural energy healthy. Because when one part malfunctions, the entire system is compromised. Yes, all of nature depends on individuality and yet, because of our connection to each other, to our collective energy, we are not truly individuals.

It doesn't sound like I'm at peace with this, does it? And yet, “I” truly am. Because there's something else I see. And that something else is that reality and imperfection is inevitable and will inevitably win out over false perfection every time. It gives me hope to know that I am not alone. Ever. It gives me hope to see that more and more people are realizing how beautiful the truth is, compared to the lies that have been handed to us.

I'm also glad that somewhere down the line in the generations before me, there must have been enough truth passed along to lead me in the right direction as well. To allow me to see what has been right in front of me all along. To show me that I am a part of something greater than myself. Something so beautiful that I can't even begin to describe it with mere words.

Just do this for me, if you will. Reach up to the sky, to the stars. Reach out to the earth as well. Take off your shoes and feel the energy flowing from the ground beneath you. Feel it pulsing into and from every pore of your body. What you feel is your connection to all things natural. It's the most peace you can ever experience. Because it is your truth and mine.

Now take that peace, that connection, that inner feeling of knowing and satisfaction and imagine using it to create a world where everyone knows and respects their role. Except that, it's not about anything we create. It's not about what or who created us.

It's simply about being and accepting our own pure truth.

All of us.

Every being and life form, flora or fauna.

Together.

You're welcome.

At peace with doing as I please

That may seem like a strange title and also a strange topic for a peace path blog post. Possibly a little selfish. Also, if you know me well, it's a little puzzling and out of character for me. I mean, usually, I'm all about making others happy, right? And there you go. That's the point.

It has taken me a huge amount of time, mental work and being under the influence of a chronic illness to get to the point where I'm OK with taking care of me. And even now, from time to time I get a twinge of guilt when I take it easy. Surely, there is something that needs doing.

There's always something that needs doing, right? And more often than not, I used to be the one doing it. Oh, no worries, I was happy to. And I still practice due deligence. I was raised to be a responsible person. I'm OK with that, too. It's just that there is a downside to being overly responsible and I spent a good deal of my life doing just that.

I'm tired now, folks. And I'm sick. So, it's someone elses turn. I'm OK with taking it easy. I've more than earned it. I can sit in my chair and do nothing, relatively guilt free. I spent 30 plus years as a divorced working parent. Sometimes I juggled 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet, but my kids (and grand-kids) always had a roof over their heads and food on the table because of it. It was well worth it.

Now, when I first became sick, it was hard for me to sit and rest. I was still in my old mode of get it done at all costs. But as time has gone by and my health has waned, I've gradually begun to put self care at the forefront. And yes, it's true. Some people don't get it.

To some people, I'm a freeloader because my husband shoulders the breadwinner role now. I get it. Most of them don't know my history. They didn't know me when I was a go getter. They're not aware that when hubby and I first got together, I rescued him, much like he rescued me down the road.

The naysayers also don't see me struggling through my days, doing all the work I'm able to, huffing and puffing my way up and down the stairs, taking care of errands, bookwork, laundry, groceries, meal prep, etc. And sometimes the pain and suffering from this type of illness isn't even visible. That makes me look lazy too.

But you know what? I know my value. My husband knows my value. Anyone who's close to me knows that every day, I still stretch my limits of endurance to get the necessary tasks done around the house. The people who truly care about me know that I have earned my rest. And gosh darn it, I'm taking it.

And so, I'm at peace with taking it easy. I'm at peace with my forced retirement, sort of. I'd actually rather be more capable of working, truth be told. But since I'm not, I'm OK with doing what I please, which sometimes includes getting things done and sometimes does not.

I hope I'm wrong but I have a little less time than most to enjoy not working for a living. I'm not looking at a long life here, is what I'm saying. So I'm making the most of the life I do have left. Feeling guilty for enjoying myself and trying to make the best of a bad situation cannot be a part of that.

And so, here I am today, sitting in my chair, being me, writing this blog post and not caring what anyone thinks of me or that there are things to be done that I'm not doing. I'm at peace with doing what I please. I earned it. It's been a long time coming. And I refuse to feel guilty about it.

So... about those good old days

Did they really exist? The good old days, that is. I mean, I'll give you this. In the good old days, we were young, wild and free. Or at least, it felt that way. Well, for those if us who were born in the “right” place and descended from the “right” people, that is. Some of us weren't that lucky. I was one of the lucky ones. I see that now.

But while I was enjoying my youth in the good old days, many people were struggling. Some, because they were of a certain ethnicity. Others, simply because they were adults with responsibilities and with more awareness than I. I would imagine that being a mature adult in the good old days was very different than being a child or even a young adult.

In fact, I'm betting that adults in the good old days had every bit as much to be concerned about as we have today. OK, maybe, they were not quite as aware as today's adults. I suppose that's why they look at the past we fondness. They were somewhat sheltered, weren't they? That allowed them to relax and enjoy life just a bit more when they did have a free moment to do so.

Now, let's talk about this awareness thing, shall we? In today's world, with advanced technology, we're so very connected. We're pretty much aware of just about anything that happens, everywhere, aren't we? Even in tiny countries we've never even heard of. We're aware of people we don't know. We're aware of their lives. We're aware of their struggles. We're aware of their tragedies. We're aware of their negative characteristics. But we hear very little about their goodness or their triumphs, don't we?

We see the world as an ugly place because that's how it's presented to us. Why is that? Well, folks, it's partially because tragedy sells. Pain sells. Heartbreak sells. Fear sells. It gets our immediate attention. Admittedly, though, we actually are facing some very real challenges the seriousness of which has been building up for a while now. You know, things like global warming, dead zones and other environmental issues.

But these things aren't believed by everyone, are they? That's because, unfortunately, it's not profitable to believe them, is it? In fact, working on these issues is expensive. Now, many of us know that the cost of believing in and solving these issues is well worth it. Because our very survival as a species depends on us doing so. Unfortunately, that group does not include those with the power to address them. They don't want them addressed. Because again, taking action against environmental issues is not considered profitable.

 Likewise, it is not profitable to discourage war. War is very profitable for the powers that be. Therefore, it behooves them to instill “patriotism” in the average citizen, even to the point of shaming them for having a preference for peace. Furthermore, they create an illusion of our superiority to people in other countries, which neatly provides the profit mongers with soldiers to fight their monetized battles for them. When most of the time, we're not actually going to war for peace or to conquer evil or fight injustice, we're going to war for profit or to obtain resources.

Now, let me be clear. I love my country. I love that I was lucky enough to be born here. I see that people in some other countries have struggles the like of which astound me. I also understand that the very capitalistic regime that seeks to make a profit from us, also benefits us.

But my friends, I must be honest, there are also countries where the powers that be don't lie to/brainwash their people who enjoy those benefits as well.

Incidentally, it would even appear that some countries have it better than we ever did. Yes, even in “the good old days” if there ever was such a thing. We're seeing that now, due to our increased awareness. And yet, some people cling to returning society to the way they feel it was in those good old days. I don't blame them. Do you? I mean, we have truly placed the “good old days” on a lofty pedestal, haven't we?

The problem is, though, they really weren't all that great for most people. Life is always difficult. It was then and it is now. It just seems better in the past because looking back always carries with it fond memories. The human brain is built to survive tragedy by leaving it in the past. Bad memories fade over time. Otherwise, we'd all go bonkers.

 I mean, think about it, when someone close to you dies that maybe you didn't really get along with, don't you try to remember the good times and forget the issues you had with them? Well, it's the same way with everything in life. Moving forward with fond remembrances of the past is perfectly natural. Add to that the subtle brainwashing inherent in every society, brainwashing designed to take us in a profitable direction and you get this Utopian-like idealistic view of the past.

But folks, our past was anything but perfect. If you examine it closely, you can even see the beginnings of what our society is today. You can see the roots of the purposeful manipulation. You can see the for profit corruption. And most certainly, you can see the hatred and bigotry that existed and is being allowed to exist today.

Hatred and fear for profit has always been a background theme in our society. Folks, it was common to hang people for the color of their skin right up until the 60's. My friends, we are being led to long for the good old days. It enables the powers that be to manipulate us and bend us to their will. It allows them to use and abuse us. It allows them to pull our strings in the direction they need this society to go in order to further stuff their pockets. They have us right where they want us. Compliant and obedient.

But that's not enough. They want our kids too. They want us to breed generations of warriors for them. They even sponsor and finance the books used to educate our children, not out of generosity, but because they have a vested, monetary interest in what our children believe. They need a never-ending supply of unaware, obedient, subservient people to fuel their mission. They need puppets.

Ironically, they teach us that democracy is superior. The problem is that what we have isn't a democracy. It never was. It's always been about making a profit for certain people. Yes, even in the “good old days” because the good old days never existed, my friends. They're just an illusion. There has always been corruption. There has always been discord. There has always been a hierarchy.

We just never noticed before.

And the moral of this story is, every era has it's delights and downfalls and I'm at peace with that. Probably because I choose to be a part of the positive end and not participate in the mass manipulation that has always been a part of our society. Probably because I'm a non-conformist to the max.

My Mom ate banana bruises

She ate apple bruises too. Peach bruises? You betcha. She did it for all of us. And as crazy as it may sound, I'm at peace with it, now that I know why. What the heck am I talking about here? Oh, I mean this quite literally. My Mom ate fruit bruises. She also scraped the mold off of cheese and ate the non-moldy part. Ya, sounds gross, right? But there was a reason for it. There's more that she did that fits this category, but the point is..

I never realized why My Mom ate fruit bruises and the like until just recently. Sure, we were poor you guys. (I never really thought about how poor until just recently either.) That's because my Mom and my Dad made so many sacrifices for us, that we didn't notice.

But it was so much more than that. We were grossed out that my Mom would cut the bruised part of the fruit she gave us off and eat it herself. We thought it was some kind of depression era habit. I guess it was. But what we didn't see is that we got the good part of the fruit. That was the whole point. We couldn't afford to waste food. So, my Mom made sure we had the best part.

What I, personally, never thought about is that the fruit bruises my Mom ate were probably also the only fruit she ever got. She always saved the good stuff for us. She had grown up in the depression. She wasn't as picky as we were. So she would scrape the mold off the cheese and sour cream and eat what was left.

But she would give us the good stuff that hadn't gone moldy. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that she did this with everything.

She was constantly taking Grade B so we could have Grade A. And while my Dad wasn't quite as “gross” as my Mom in this respect, his life was all about us kids too. Every minute of it.

Oh, they both had their hobbies. My Dad liked gardening and woodworking. He grew our food and made a lot of the things we used around the house. He even built us kids a color TV because we wanted one and couldn't afford it. He sent away for a kit and worked on it for months. It wasn't for him. It was for us. And when my Mom took up “crafting” she made things for us. Everything was for us.

Everything.

All of it was for us. Every mouthful of bruised fruit. She used to say, “I'll take your bruises, Jeannie.” And now that I think about it, she meant that literally. And me, as a kid, the whole time and a little ways into adulthood, I just thought she was kind of gross. Or at least, her habits were. But really, she was just giving me the best in the only way she could.

So now it's my turn to give her my best. And I guess that's true of all people with aging parents. But not all parents eat your bruises for you or scrape the mold off the old sour cream, eat what's left and give you the newer container. Not all parents work as hard as my Dad did and come home and work some more. Not all parents make the sacrifices mine did.

My Dad is gone now, so I can't thank him in person. But I can thank him by calling my Mom more often, writing her the letters she loves to read and maybe sending her a care package here and there. Because that woman ate my banana bruises for me. And he loved her so much, you guys. So much. But that's a story for another day.

Off to call my Mommy. Peace out.

Vegan for the peace of it, inspiration from a veteran soldier

This morning I watched a video of a seasoned vet with a different perspective on going Vegan, due to having witnessed and possibly participated in violence as a career. Now, I'm not the military type. Never have been. Never will be. But for some reason, this gentleman really got through to the core of me with his purpose for going Vegan.

He said, although not in these exact words, that he was sick of death, blood and violence. That he was searching instead for life and rejecting death. And that for him, that sense of inner peace now starts on his plate. He feels better knowing that he is projecting peace with his diet. In other words, it gives him a base of operations for how he lives his life.

You might think it crazy that as a peace sign throwing hippie child, I would find common ground with a former soldier. And that, after so many years struggling to overcome the cheese addiction that was blocking my being altogether vegan, this vet made me feel something that just might be the catalyst for me to “go all the way”

Now, my Vegan friends, don't get all up in arms here. Please. The amount of cheese I consume is minuscule at best. But I do cave occasionally. I've always admitted that I'm not a perfect Vegan. However, the point is that after hearing this gentleman speak of his rejection of death, blood and violence, I truly feel that I'm ready to make that full Vegan transition now.

Which is a good thing, so don't bring me down now, of all times, please.

And you know as well as I do what I'm talking about. There are a lot of angry Vegans out there. And maybe their anger is justified. Certainly it is. They are angry over the death and suffering of other animals at the hands of omnivores, whether directly or indirectly. They tend to be brutally intolerant of those who are not Vegan because of this. Particularly those like myself who should know better.

Their anger is not inspiring to me. But this man, this former harbinger of death, so to speak, who has decided that he is fed up with death and is extremely joyful and happy in his new life as a Vegan, may very well be the catalyst for my own personal change.

I think it has a lot to do with his aura. He's completely at peace with his choice. He feels good about himself for making it. And most of all, he's done with the anger. He's done with the death. He's not spreading his beliefs in a forcible manner. He's spreading them in a peaceful manner. And peace and joy and love, my friends, should be at the core of anyone professing to be Vegan, shouldn't it?

I mean, isn't that what this is all about? The rejection of violence? The joy of living life knowing that your core purpose is to do no harm?

And here is this veteran, telling us all, from the perspective of someone who has had direct involvement in the violence of war, that peace begins on our plates. Here is the most unlikely of people, showing Vegans how to peacefully project their beliefs.

He doesn't judge. He doesn't preach. He's not sarcastic or offensive. He doesn't insult others who consume animal products. He doesn't throw red paint at people. He simply emits peace, love and joy from every core of his being. He's happy with his choice and it shows. Now that's something to aspire to and be inspired by! Vegan for the peace of it. I like it.

Making peace with fences?

In the last couple weeks, I have had the opportunity to watch two kinds of people build fences around their respective homes. On doing so, I made a couple observations that I'd like to share with you. Now, let me be clear, I'm not passing judgment here. And indeed, my own fence building would likely reveal my own “shortcomings” as it were. Although, in my opinion, shortcomings are more of an indication of one's location in their journey, than they are a fault. But that's a story for another time.

So... The most obvious and first observation I made of the two fences, was the way they were facing. The owners of house one, faced their fence with the “good” side toward themselves. While the owners of house two, faced the “good” side toward their neighbors. I found this very revealing of where their sympathies rest and how they view the world.

By facing the good side toward themselves, the first homeowners made it clear that they place themselves first. Especially since the building code states that the “good” side should face their neighbors. They were in such a hurry to put up a barrier from their neighbors that they didn't even bother to check the rules.

Now, I have to be fair, they needed the fence so that their dogs would not jump over the existing chain link fence into their neighbor's yard.

Remember that last bit. You'll see why later.

And.... back to the fence building details. It's also much easier, for construction purpose to face the good side in your own yard. So, this is revealing too. Clearly, doing things the “right” way was an inconvenience for them. Clearly, their time frame was more important to them than being polite. This was also reflected in the fact that they didn't even have the courtesy to wait for the old homeowners to move out before barging in on them to construct their fence. As you may have guessed, I was one of the old homeowners. That's how I know this.

They were in a huge hurry to make the house their own, which frankly, I completely understood. Because while they were putting up their fence, we were patiently and courteously waiting for the former owners of our new house to move on so that we might begin making our new house ours, just as they were making our old home theirs.

Now, the very fact that I highly resented their intrusion, because I was simultaneously being respectful by not intruding on the former owners of our new home is a bit revealing of my own character flaws. In other words, I'm not perfect either.

As you may have noticed, I enjoy studying human behavior, even my own.

Anyway, eventually we left the impatient new homeowners behind and moved on to our new home, where, by coincidence, our new neighbors (previously mentioned as the owners of house two) are also building a fence, also for the purpose of keeping their dog from jumping the existing chain link fence.

But our new neighbors are building their fence very differently.

As I mentioned, first of all, they were facing the good side toward us and their other neighbors. Which, even if it wasn't the law, was very respectful. After all, how likely do you think it is that in a small town with less than 1000 residents, anyone is going to check the fence to see that it faces the right way?

Well. I can tell you that in this particular town, the zoning laws are very loose and there are many, many people who have ignored them for decades anyway. And ironically to my delight, they will likely continue to do so for many years to come. In fact, people here are pretty much free to do things their way as long as no harm comes to others. Hence, the overall charm of this town for me.

Our new neighbors chose to be considerate in their fence construction. They didn't have to. They also didn't have to take the time to tell us that their dogs jump the chain link fence and that's why they're building a fence between us. They especially didn't have to do this on the very first day we moved in, but they did. They also could have banged up their fence rapidly, without care and never spoken to us again, but that's not what they did.

They faced the good side in their neighbor's direction. They took their time building that fence well. And instead of just befriending the one neighbor who took the time to reach out to and assist them, as the first homeowners did, they spoke to all their neighbors before anyone even had time to inquire about what they were doing. The fact that they made the first move combined with the fact that they did the right thing by all their neighbors is impressive in comparison to the other folks, don't you think?

And the thing is, our new neighbors still aren't done with their fence. So when we go outside, we wave at each other. We laugh over the dogs, who still jump the fence occasionally to play with my grand-daughter's dog. And while we're watching them build their fence the right way, the careful way, the courteous way, they're also watching us bring our yard back to life in a similar manner.

It all feels very small town and we're loving it. It's such a contrast to the rush and hurry of city life that we left behind, you know? And there you have the biggest difference in character between the two sets of homeowners. Two very different philosophies in play. First there was the “get it done now, no matter what it takes or who gets in the way and has to be run over” philosophy. Then there is the “take your time, do it right and do it with a smile” philosophy.

Ya, I'm going to like it here. It's my kind of peaceful place.