Wednesday, October 24, 2018

At peace with doing as I please

That may seem like a strange title and also a strange topic for a peace path blog post. Possibly a little selfish. Also, if you know me well, it's a little puzzling and out of character for me. I mean, usually, I'm all about making others happy, right? And there you go. That's the point.

It has taken me a huge amount of time, mental work and being under the influence of a chronic illness to get to the point where I'm OK with taking care of me. And even now, from time to time I get a twinge of guilt when I take it easy. Surely, there is something that needs doing.

There's always something that needs doing, right? And more often than not, I used to be the one doing it. Oh, no worries, I was happy to. And I still practice due deligence. I was raised to be a responsible person. I'm OK with that, too. It's just that there is a downside to being overly responsible and I spent a good deal of my life doing just that.

I'm tired now, folks. And I'm sick. So, it's someone elses turn. I'm OK with taking it easy. I've more than earned it. I can sit in my chair and do nothing, relatively guilt free. I spent 30 plus years as a divorced working parent. Sometimes I juggled 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet, but my kids (and grand-kids) always had a roof over their heads and food on the table because of it. It was well worth it.

Now, when I first became sick, it was hard for me to sit and rest. I was still in my old mode of get it done at all costs. But as time has gone by and my health has waned, I've gradually begun to put self care at the forefront. And yes, it's true. Some people don't get it.

To some people, I'm a freeloader because my husband shoulders the breadwinner role now. I get it. Most of them don't know my history. They didn't know me when I was a go getter. They're not aware that when hubby and I first got together, I rescued him, much like he rescued me down the road.

The naysayers also don't see me struggling through my days, doing all the work I'm able to, huffing and puffing my way up and down the stairs, taking care of errands, bookwork, laundry, groceries, meal prep, etc. And sometimes the pain and suffering from this type of illness isn't even visible. That makes me look lazy too.

But you know what? I know my value. My husband knows my value. Anyone who's close to me knows that every day, I still stretch my limits of endurance to get the necessary tasks done around the house. The people who truly care about me know that I have earned my rest. And gosh darn it, I'm taking it.

And so, I'm at peace with taking it easy. I'm at peace with my forced retirement, sort of. I'd actually rather be more capable of working, truth be told. But since I'm not, I'm OK with doing what I please, which sometimes includes getting things done and sometimes does not.

I hope I'm wrong but I have a little less time than most to enjoy not working for a living. I'm not looking at a long life here, is what I'm saying. So I'm making the most of the life I do have left. Feeling guilty for enjoying myself and trying to make the best of a bad situation cannot be a part of that.

And so, here I am today, sitting in my chair, being me, writing this blog post and not caring what anyone thinks of me or that there are things to be done that I'm not doing. I'm at peace with doing what I please. I earned it. It's been a long time coming. And I refuse to feel guilty about it.

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