Friday, April 14, 2017

Clearing the path to peace with patience

In my head are all the thoughts and deeds that block my path to peace. In order to make my way along the path, I have decided to clear them. In my case, that means writing about them. Writing has always been my way of cleansing.

Some of the thoughts that I have need to be vocalized. They are justified. Some are not at all justified. The latter, once I write them down, make me see the error of my ways so that I can move on from them and do better.

Learn by writing?

I guess.

So, for a little bit here, I'm going to be clearing my head of anger, resentment and other negativity by sharing it, thinking about it and then, hopefully, moving away from it.

I picture a huge snarl of brambles, cluttering the peace path, blocking my view and my way.

The thoughts I'm working on today are self defeating, guilt ridden and regretful. In the past, I've done a few things to be ashamed of. And for some unknown reason, they have all decided to rise to the surface in the last couple of weeks.

This has made me feel really bad about myself. And you may not believe me but through all my struggles, I have always been able to maintain a healthy self image. Not so lately.

To add to the past guilt, I have recently found myself in a situation where I felt taken advantage of. It has happened before. The difference is that in the past, I have been able to hold my tongue, be patient and understand that the individuals I was dealing with are still learning.

Just like me, of course. We are all still learning. Just some people are on a different path or taking their sweet time.

This time, however, when I encountered this situation, I lost my patience. I lost my self control. I became angry and resentful of being taken advantage of. It was a straw that broke the camels back situation.

This resulted in driving a wedge between myself and the individuals in question.

I found a solution for the future, which generally makes me feel better about erring. This time, however, I just could not seem to forgive myself for my behavior and move on.

Then, to top it off, another similar mistake came running in on the heels of the first. It really upset me that I did not learn enough from the first mistake to prevent the second.

So, guilt on top of guilt on top of guilt.

I apologized. I vowed to do better next time. I formulated a plan. And still, the guilt would not go away. It's like all the years of moving on had caught up with me.

I'm still not entirely sure what to do about this. However, my son, who is my best psychiatrist, has given me a bit of wisdom. It's not a new thought but he has told me to remember that time heals all. And while that doesn't take away the guilt that's dragging me down right now, it does at least give me hope that this hefty load will lift eventually.

After all, I was a real jerk this time. My reaction was nothing to be proud of. Plus, I was already wallowing in past guilt. So, it's likely just going to take some time before I feel like a decent human being again.

Meanwhile, I will be making a concentrated effort to do better in the future. To be more patient, more understanding, more like the old me. People used to tell me I was one of the nicest people they'd ever met. 

I'd like to.... No. I will get back to that.

And so, I find myself clearing the path to peace with patience and perseverance. It took a long time for those brambles to grow, so it's going to take a while to clear them. That's OK. I'll just do my best to think positive and keep moving in the right direction.

I'll get there.

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